“I had no idea you were a real person.”
What the — ? What did he just say?
I shook my head hard in disbelief. It was as if doing so would dislodge the words from my ears and fall like broken glass to the floor. I was hearing things, right? You ever have one of those instances when you’re so floored, angry, upset, whatever and you have what seems like you’re having an out of body experience? This was one of those moments.
It took me what seemed like forever to return to a conscious state of mind. I shook my head again, closing my eyes for a moment. I opened them and asked, “As opposed to what!?”
“No, I mean, you actually have goals, aspirations and are doing something with yourself…”
Okay, okay. He’s about to clean this up. I think.
But he continued. “You’re like, actually, a real person.”
“As opposed to what?!” I was beginning to sound like a broken record but I was so taken back that it was the only thing that was coming out my mouth.
I don’t know if he had seen the steam coming from my ears or heard that my tone had begun to change when I said a third time “as opposed to WHAT?!”, but his words began to trail off, and he quit explaining his devastation. Either way, this man was for real. He wasn’t kidding. At that point I had some options: (1) I could politely excuse myself like Romy did in the movie Romy & Michelle’s Class Reunion and say ‘I’m sorry, I cut my foot earlier and my shoe is filling up with blood,” (2) slap him in the face with the drink from my glass like Samantha did to Richard in an episode of Sex and the City, or (3) do what I would do when I haven’t finished my meal. Wanna take a guess?
I stayed to finish the meal. But in my defense after all, it WAS steak and eggs! Horrible, I know, but I’ll say it like a friend of mine claims: call me what you want, but you’ll never call me hungry! PLUS, my fascination with his approach to women surpassed my general interest that had long since died with my last bite of steak. Anxious to see what is his game entailed, I chalked up our contact to ‘research’ and asked more questions. Especially since the last one I could only muster up was ‘as opposed to what?’
Further investigation revealed that in addition to the Ph.D, the house, the job, the car, the hot tub and the news article, he also operated on an Ass-To-Cash Ratio. What does that mean, folks? Well, no worries because he had the audacity to explain it to me. Get this.
According to him, he was willing to spend up to $200.00 in dates before he expected a woman to either give up the goods or start paying for herself, or be dumped. Even then, he stated, that if it wasn’t any good, he might still make her pay, but hadn’t imposed that fine on anyone as of yet. I didn’t even dare ask why.
Anyway, he further explained that depending on his urgency or deficit (of women in the bank, I’m assuming), rather, he would either go to expensive restaurants for a woman he thought would be easier to bed in order to reach his $200.00 limit quicker or space out his dates and eat less expensively for those he thought would take a little longer to let him between their sheets. It was like an investment. Which was why, he openly admitted, he and I were at Bob Evans that very moment. Side note: for those of you who may not know, two can eat for less than 20 dollars at Bob Evans. Especially breakfast. I immediately suggested we start going to Taco Bell and he add a couple zeros to the back of that number, the rate he was going. I expressed that while I could respect that his way of thinking was HIS way of thinking, I couldn’t believe he was actually telling me all of this!
His response? “Why not? It’s true.”
But surely he wasn’t revealing this information to all his dates. He might as well walk around with a disclosure in his pocket for women to sign! I could see it now:
I, (state your name here), by signing this contract, agree and attest to all clauses contained in the $200.00 Ass-To-Cash Ratio (hereinafter “ATCR”) Contract. In the event the ATCR threshold is reached by said stockholder, I, (state your name here), shall have the opportunity to decide my own fate. I also agree that upon withholding the goods from said stockholder AFTER $200.00, I, therefore, will henceforth be responsible for my portion of any and all subsequent dates. I also understand that in the event that said property, (i.e. ass), is relinquished, the Quality Contingency Clause (Part A, subsection 13.2) of said property is immediately enacted and I am not entirely excluded from being responsibly free of paying my portion for future dates, until quality is determined. In any event, courtship can be ceased at any time.
Sign. Date. Notarize.
Breakfast ended. I was full. With food and information. TOO much information. Following that day, I didn’t plan to talk to him anymore but a week or two later, he called for an official date.